Gender-Inhibited Parenting

In every classroom in which I've been, there is always at least one boy who takes notice of me. He doesn't see anything but me. He asks me several questions. He checks to see where I'm going next. He tries to impress me with his exploits. This boy wants me to take notice of him.

Coincidentally, it usually turns out that these boys have the most strained relationships with their fathers. There are the strict disciplinarians who only know to come down hard on their sons when the grades and behavior reports aren't up to (unrealistic) expectations. There are the fathers who aren't there. Instead, these fathers are absent, in jail, with their other family, or even dead. There are the fathers who only care about sports (or some other equally masculine endeavor) and a sense of competition always exists between these fathers and sons.

Often times, these same boys have strained relationships with their mothers. Although they need some coddling and support when their emotional states are in distress, the mothers over-do it enabling their sons to express their anger in more inappropriate ways. Some of the mothers also have high expectations, trying to make their sons something their fathers, brothers, or husbands never were. There are also those mothers who don't know what to do with boys. They allow them to run amok because they feel hopeless about their own skills to parent boys due to their failed relationships with abusive men in their lives. Single mothers are sometimes unable to provide the care and attention their sons (and daughters) need as they are trying to make up for the lack of support from the father.

I have mostly experienced this need for my attention from boys. This might be because I'm a man, but I suspect it also has to do with how these boys are failed by their parents. The ways in which parents struggle to connect with their sons described in Raising Cane have always been evident in how the male students in my classes have struggled over the years.

While these shortcomings are rather obvious in boys who have struggled in my classrooms, it is not so obvious with the sons of my friends. I have several friends who are raising kids, most of them in the early ages of life (<1-5) and I notice the subtle differences in how these friends raise their sons and daughters.

My friends treat their children in ways that reinforce gender stereotypes in ways that I never expected. The boys are often allowed to wreak havoc and expected to bounce back from injury or set backs. The girls are coddled and protected. The boys are encouraged to be rough-and-tumble types while the girls are called "princess" or "little girl" as opposed to their names.

I often wonder if the problems described in Raising Cane and present in my classrooms might be exasperated by this difference in treatment or acceptance of gender identity by the parents.

I don't understand these parent's connection to socially-constructed gender roles. Why don't fathers wrestle with their daughters? I have wrestled many times with my niece. She gets as much enjoyment out of it as my nephew. There is no inherent difference between these siblings based on their biological make-up.

Do boys struggle with relating to their parents because they are not receiving attention that is appropriate for boys? OR do they struggle because they are limited in accepting or giving affection by their gender?

Again, this is where modern parenting and books like Raising Cane fail children. The essential problem lies within gender. Children and parents are limited by unrealistic expectations or accept behavior as being the way it is instead of questioning its healthfulness. Boys have not cornered the market of activity, just as girls are not the only ones allowed to express feeling. The distance between boys and girls and their parents lies exists in the blind acceptance of gender.

The Three C's

As far as I can remember I have had an awesome relationship with my father. Of course there were times that I disliked him and times when I upset him but that's totally natural right? Again Raising Cain has "exposed" me to things that I guess I subconciously knew existed but never really paid attention to.

One thing that really got my memories going ws the discussion about "Control, Competition, and Criticism". My father used those "3 C's" all the time. The ever so popular "because I said so" is a prime example of control. I heard this all the time and as I got older I had conversations with my father exposing this statement as a means of power or control. He, as well as my mom, used this statement when they didn't have a response to my question that made sense. E.G. During the summer after my first year in college I stayed out pretty late (by their standards) and he began confronting me with the situation and telling me I was wrong for doing it and yada yada yada. Anyway, my response was "what is the difference of me staying out until 6 am in Columbia and staying out until 6 am here?" Because he couldn't give me a logical response he deferred to the use of parental control "because I said so."

I think that part of the reason that I'm not very much into sports is because anytime I tried to play something, my dad, much like the father of the golfer in the book, took all the fun out of it. So usually I just didn't try very hard and made it appear as though I would never be good at whatever the sport was so he would just give up on me.

Finally criticism. i was criticized for everything. If I had straight A's his response was "Next time it should be A+'s" Nothing I ever did was good enough, their was always room for improvement. While I'm sure that he truly wanted the best for me and thought that this was the most effective way of helping me reach my full potential, a little praise would have been nice.

While I hold very high expectations for my students, I tend to push my students to do their best all the time. However what I have made it a point to do is give praise. For example, one day I was teaching volume to the class. The previous day they had discovered on their own that to find the volume of something all they had to do was multiply the heighth by the width by the length. During a review for the upcoming common assessment I went over volume and one student couldn't remember how to find the volume of an object, even though I specifically remember this student telling me the equation the day before. After questioning her through the process she remembered the equation and for that I gave her genuine praise. This is not always an easy thing for me to do. A part of me wanted to just say to her "Ok. Good. Now make sure you don't forget it again!" The comment would have been well intentioned because I want her to do well, however the praise wouldn't have been there.

Note about These Posts

I am impressed with all of these posts to the blog--their directness and honesty; the way they often connect the book to our own lives and our daily classroom lives. Wunnerful work!

Good Morning Ms./Mrs. King!!!

This semester I have had the pleasure of rotating through every grade level before my student teaching next semester. On occasions I have the opportunities to substitute teach in my school. Today was one of those days. I got to sub in my favorite grade level...kindergarten (and by favorite I mean my least favorite). I just thought I would give a quick remark to the fact that in my school I, besides the head custodian, am THE only male figure in the entire school. So today as I substituted in kindergarten, I was constantly called Ms. or Mrs. King. Each time I would asked "What did you just call me? Do I look like a Ms. or Mrs.?" More often than not, this left the students with a look of bewilderment on their face because they truly did not know to refer to me as Mr. Apparently they have had very little to no exposure to males that they were to refer to as Mr. I can handle being called Ms. or Mrs. occasionally but for students not even to recognize that I am a Mr. or a sir (one student referred to me as ma'am and truly was not trying to be funny).

Events like these make me think of that education urban legend or joke (whichever you prefer to call it) that some of you I'm sure have heard, that goes something like, "A young child came home after his first week of school and the mother asked how he liked his new teacher. The child responded, "I don't know, I haven't met her yet, she keeps sending her husband in to teach us."

- King

Chapter Five

I have decided to comment on every chapter after I am done reading it and so I will start with chapter five by saying that my father was a Highway Patrolman and a local minister. Therefore like many of the men and boys mentioned in the book I to struggled to have a good relationship with my father. He was my spirtual leader as well as the represenative of the law and it made for a very difficult relationship. I am sure it was difficult because in my mind I was afraid to be anything less than what I was expected to be and therefore I never tried to reciprocate whatever he tried to give.

I went in to teaching because I wanted to be a mentor to those who struggled to have someone to talk to the way I did. I wanted to be a mentor to those who needed it because of broken homes or other reasons. Call me idealistic, but I hoped to make a difference when I went in to teaching. I try to be a postive male role model to the young men that I teach in the hope that I can make a positive difference.

I think this is a great book because it helps me to recognize the shortcomings that I have in my own relationships with my son, my brothers, and my dad. If I get nothing else out of this book it will be the reminder that my relationships in my own personal life can always improve. This book to me is like a good therapy session only without the cost of paying for it by the hour.

Thanks for the revelations!!!

Let me first respond to a couple of things that my colleagues have said.

First Kangmo:

"Frankly speaking, whenever I see a tall and looks-strong guy, I wish I could be like that guy for a moment. But I soon realize I am not that guy. I just see myself as I am. " I can relate to this statement. I'm going to take a guess and say that you would look at me as that guy (tall and possibly looks strong). The crazy part about that is, when I was younger I used to be tall but very thin and I always wanted to be bigger and now that I am, I still see myself a lot of the time as that skinny kid and still to this day, sometimes think that I could be a bit bigger. I am comfortable with my physique but always tell myself I could stand "a bit more size"

Now Grant:

"All of the Spiderman costumes had padding to make the wearer look very muscular." I saw the exact same thing and didn't really think anything of it, but now that you mentioned it, there was never padding on costumes when I was elementary age! I used to put my own padding in my costumes to look bigger (usually some sweaters or something). Just as the movie touched on the increase in size of action figures muscles it has now found its way into letting children "alter" there own body in a matter of seconds.

On a different note. A couple of weeks ago, I went on a field trip and therefore dressed down. I usually were a button down shirt and tie, but on the field trip I wore jeans, sneakers, and a hooded sweatshirt. When I got back, one of the 3rd grade African American boys said to one of his peers as I walked passed and waved to them "See. That's how a black man is supposed to dress!" I stopped cold in my tracks, slowly turned around as I gather my thoughts about what to say because at that point I was so highly disappointed to hear such a statement. To this child he thinks that the so called thug image that is heavily exploited in the media is not only the norm, but the only way! I calmed myself, and asked him if when I wear my shirt and tie that makes me less of a black man or let alone a man? He answered no. I then asked if I was a CEO, would it be appropriate for me to dress like this all the time? He answered no. I then asked, well why would you say this is how a black man is supposed to dress? He shrugged and said nothing. I told him something to the effect of, what you see on the TV isn't always a true reflection of real life, there is an appropriate time and place for relaxed clothing that suits your personal taste and don't fall into the trap of stereotyping and limiting yourself or anyone else by having narrow expectations. Doing so will limit your own experiences in life. I wonder if he does not have a male role model that ever dresses up? If not, I'm even more glad that I wear a nice shirt and tie everyday.

Halloween and the male image!

I was observing our Halloween parade at school, all of the kids walk around the gym so that everyone can see their costume, and as the Spidermen walked by I immediately thought of the movie Tough Guise. All of the Spiderman costumes had padding to make the wearer look very muscular. Has society truly stooped so low as to sell the "perfect" image of a man to children as young as three, four, and five. Is the madness of it all ever going to stop?