I have read the first four chapters in two different stints, first two last weekend and the next two today. I am glad I did it this way because I have come away with two different ideas to reflect on; reading for boys in primary and our culture of cruelty.
It seems boys in primary school fit into two categories, those that excel and those who don't. I excelled, I was one of the top readers in my class if not the top. I give credit to my mom for reading to me often and also to my dad. One of my fondest childhood memories is when my dad brought two books back from the book mobile that had stopped at the little country store not far from our farm. One of the books was an ABC book and the other was Fireman Sam. Dad laid down on the couch and I curled up in his arms and he read these books to me and explained that they were library books and if we took good care of them we could return them in two weeks when the mobile came back and we could get two more books. I think I was four at the time. Dad also liked reading Brothers Grim type fairy tales to me. Mom read Dr. Seuss, Bernstein Bears, and Babar the elephant books to me. My mom read Bears on Wheels to me so many time that I memorized the words and started reading the book to her before I started Kindergarten. My dad would come in from his farm work for lunch and I would see him read the mail and the newspaper. He loved the comics, especially the Lockhorns, Gasoline Alley, and Blondie. I also fell in love with the comics and would read them to my sister who is three years younger than me.
My Kindergarten experience was different that many kids. I was part of the morning class which consisted of eleven boys and two girls. One of the girls moved away and they moved the remaining girl to the afternoon class which resulted in an all boys class. We had new students move in who where also boys so it ended up a class of fifteen boys and no girls. We were tight all through school and never did get along with the girls very good. We were a boy dominated class, we missed out on those "gender neutral" Kindergarten experiences and we felt superior to the girls in all we did. We refused to let them beat us in academics or in anything else. This boy/girl competition has had a negative effect on my whole life. It has been a very positive growing experience for me to go through the female dominant elementary education program at Mizzou and collaborate with my classmates as equals.
My first grade year was also unusual. Since my class was small and the class ahead of us was small they combined what normally would have been two first grades and two second grades into one first, one second, and a combined class. I was in the combined class that consisted of six first graders and 14 second graders. The only thing we first graders did without the second grade was reading group. Out of the six, three of us were boys and three were girls. I soon read through everything the teacher had and was moved in with the second graders in reading also.
I also loved my second grade teacher, but through four mediocre to bad teachers in a row I hated school by seventh grade and went into puberty with very low self esteem.
I bring these primary experiences up because I have a hard time relating to my own boys struggles with reading and to the students I teach. I have feelings of guilt for not reading to my five boys enough, never enough time or other things seem more important. I feel that I have let some of my sons down by not being patient enough with them and not making more time like my parents made for me.
So, the first two chapters of Raising Cain were quite enlightening to me from the stand point that boys who are naturally behind in communication skills can get all messed up because it takes longer for them to learn how to read. My second son (strong willed, all boy, kinetic, left handed, competitive, big for his age) had to be held back in Kindergarten mainly because he was a June birthday and struggled with school work. He went from one of the youngest in his class to one of the oldest and still struggles with school. He still, as a seventh grader, carries feelings of being stupid and inferiority with him. The book has helped me understand that many of the problems we have with him today might go all the back to sending him to school too early to begin with and not having enough patience with his struggles.
I will be a better teacher in my community by having this insight into a boy who struggles with reading psyche. I plan on making my classroom a safe place for all children to excel, grow, and get better no mater what the individual starting point is.
As politically unpopular as it might be, I think we need to make a push to catch boys up in communication as we have done with girls in math. It will take a culture of understanding, cooperation, and community to accept that it doesn't matter that many boys on average do not read as well as their girl counterparts in primary as long as we keep working to catch these boys up. It took until the fifth grade for my seventh grader to read at that magic third grade level. He entered sixth grade reading at a high fourth grade, low fifth grade level, but his sixth grade reading teacher performed a miracle and got him interested in reading by finding books that he liked. One year later he is reading at a high school level and going through two books a month. He still has his struggles, but many of the roadblocks are starting to come down. We all as educators would be well served by having patience with our slower readers and taking the time to find out what motivates each individual in our classrooms.
I was moved by chapter four. I now have a name for those crappy middle school years, "a culture of cruelty." Growing up I was a terror from the fifth grade until my Freshman year. I would not cooperate with teachers who I did not like, I picked on kids, and was mean. I struggled finding my way. I did not fit in well with any of the three cliques of boys in my class and kind've floated between all of them. It was not until my freshman year in high school that I found a group of older boys that I felt comfortable with. Part of this was because I went to a small rural school that had only two buildings; K-6 in one building and 7-12 in another. The seventh grade lockers were across the hall from the Seniors which could be quite scary. My growth came average to late and I went from top of the class in primary with reading to behind in middle school in growth. After reading these chapters I am getting the impression that reading and physical growth are the two biggest influences on boy self esteem. Maybe they are and maybe they aren't. I got through it like we all have and still carry some of the scares like many of us do.
Three of my own boys are in middle school, sixth, seventh, and ninth grades. Technically my ninth grader is in high school, but he is still facing many of the same pressers as in the book. My boys are having a more positive experience in middle school than what I had. They are all big and are growing faster than what I did. They are more athletic than I was at that age. My wife is six foot and has been that way since fifth grade (which is the boy equivalent of being a five foot freshman) and my boys are reaping the rewards of her genetics that caused her so much pain. This growth and maturity has created a whole new set of problems though. My freshman who is a three sport athlete, A honor roll, excellent at band, boy scout, active in church, loved by all his teachers and coaches, over achieving all-American, has gotten his freshman girl friend pregnant. I will be a 39 year old grandpa around St. Patrick's Day. Having a child who is a late bloomer doesn't seem so bad from this side of the fence.
I have learned at Mizzou (and have a great desire to implement in my future classroom) the importance of creating a sense of community in the classroom. This is one of the biggest changes in education since I was in school. If we all create this sense of community one classroom, one building, one school, at a time the world will be a better place for it and maybe the "culture of cruelty" will become a "culture of kindness". We can only hope.
We have created an educational environment that girls can excel in, now let us work at catching the boys up.
Far many in education this is too simplistic and does not contain enough eduation buzz words, but my ecucational philosophy is a simple one; "It is my job as and educator to teach my students how to read. Not only books, but math, art, music, the world about us, and most importantly PEOPLE. Reading leads to understanding and understanding leads to a society with more enlightened and compasionate people who have the confidence and skills to make a real difference."
Friday, October 26, 2007
From Kangmo--
When I look at my childhood, I didn’t have a desire to be like my father because my father was working hard, drank well, and smoke a lot. I actually hated my father until I became an adolescent. But when I went through my adolescence, I came to understand why my father had to work hard, drink much, and smoke a lot. Before I understood my father, I always liked my mother because my mother was a caring person and her direction was always clear. She always taught me that books are important and learning is important.
When I entered a middle school, boys were getting bigger and started to compete who was the strongest guy in the class and in the school. But I wasn’t quite interest in making myself a strong guy, especially, physically because I thought physical superiority was not important as a mental maturity. One of my close friends who didn’t like to lose in any competitions, even in fighting, always exercised to make strong fists and arms and learned Tea Kwon Do. But somehow I thought it was not important. The important things were “patience, honesty, and diligence.” That’s what my mother emphasized all the time in my childhood. So I thought that a real strong man could be an enduring and patient and understanding-others man. My father hardly played with me. I really wished that my father was playing with me. I was really happy when he was playing badminton with me. It was a vivid memory for me. And sometimes it was a happy moment to go out for dinner with him. I had always wished to play with my father a lot. But it didn’t work well. I became an adult.
When I grew up, my mother sometimes said, “Kangmo, you should help your wife if you get married. Your father had never helped and even he had never come in the kitchen. I think it is not good. Don’t do that if you got married.”
Frankly speaking, whenever I see a tall and looks-strong guy, I wish I could be like that guy for a moment. But I soon realize I am not that guy. I just see myself as I am.
As I read Raising Cain, I was interested in “emotional illiteracy.” Somehow I wanted to hide my feeling to others for a while, especially emotional action such as weeping. I thought somehow it was not manly. Men should not show their tear. We have a saying in Korea: “Men weep only three times: 1) when they were born; 2) when their parents were dead. I think I hardly saw my father’s tears. Compared to my father, I tend to weep a lot. I think I had tried not to show my tears to others, but not anymore.
When I entered a middle school, boys were getting bigger and started to compete who was the strongest guy in the class and in the school. But I wasn’t quite interest in making myself a strong guy, especially, physically because I thought physical superiority was not important as a mental maturity. One of my close friends who didn’t like to lose in any competitions, even in fighting, always exercised to make strong fists and arms and learned Tea Kwon Do. But somehow I thought it was not important. The important things were “patience, honesty, and diligence.” That’s what my mother emphasized all the time in my childhood. So I thought that a real strong man could be an enduring and patient and understanding-others man. My father hardly played with me. I really wished that my father was playing with me. I was really happy when he was playing badminton with me. It was a vivid memory for me. And sometimes it was a happy moment to go out for dinner with him. I had always wished to play with my father a lot. But it didn’t work well. I became an adult.
When I grew up, my mother sometimes said, “Kangmo, you should help your wife if you get married. Your father had never helped and even he had never come in the kitchen. I think it is not good. Don’t do that if you got married.”
Frankly speaking, whenever I see a tall and looks-strong guy, I wish I could be like that guy for a moment. But I soon realize I am not that guy. I just see myself as I am.
As I read Raising Cain, I was interested in “emotional illiteracy.” Somehow I wanted to hide my feeling to others for a while, especially emotional action such as weeping. I thought somehow it was not manly. Men should not show their tear. We have a saying in Korea: “Men weep only three times: 1) when they were born; 2) when their parents were dead. I think I hardly saw my father’s tears. Compared to my father, I tend to weep a lot. I think I had tried not to show my tears to others, but not anymore.
Troubles
I have trouble expressing my emotions. When my partner and I have a disagreement or somehow hurt the other, I tend to shut down. I don't have the words to express how I feel. I avoid the confrontation. When pushed, my voice rises. It's frustratingly painful to no end.
Luckily, I have a partner who is well-versed in mind-body consciousness as well as gender constructions. She works with me to get through this. She is cognizant of how our minds work and what social constructions have led us here. Together, we talk through the problem and the ways that we can constructively solve our issues.
She understands how my father's emphasis on sports and his lack of expression has influenced me, despite my own formal education. It's not my dad's fault. His father raised him in much the same way.
Then there's the media and the cultures in which we grow up. Growing up a Buckeye fan, I watched men like Chris Spielman dominate his opponents by using an almost animal-like instinct for destroying his enemy. With reckless abandon, #36 would take out 300-pound blockers on his way to punishing tailbacks and wide receivers. If Chris Spielman ever cried, it was because they lost to Michigan, the Buckeyes' arch rival.
Years later, Spielman stood by his wife who was suffering from breast cancer. He left football for a time to be with her. I'm sure he cried during this time, but I wonder if he was ever able to find the words to express himself.
I've seen this same lack of emotional intelligence as a teacher. Boys come to school unable to express empathy or remorse. As their teacher, I would try to reflect on their behavioral or academic failings only to find that they hadn't ever learned how to express themselves. I feel I've spent more time teaching boys how to appropriately express emotions than any math strategy or reading comprehension.
In Raising Cain, Kindlon and Thompson want us to believe that the only failings in raising boys is our incompetence in in providing ways to deal with emotion, helping boys navigate body image, and dealing with teasing. While I agree with these findings, I do not agree that boys learn or act differently because of their biology.
Boys are not more active because they are wired that way. They are conditioned to play in a certain manner that encourages activity. Boys are constantly being shown images of male athletes flinging themselves across the playing field. Boys are different from girls because that's how we've raised them.
I have real troubles with Kindlon and Thompson using learned behavior to explain some issues with boys while ignoring others to suit their arguments.
I have primarily worked with lower income families in my teaching career. In these families, I have noticed that the girls can often be just as active or aggressive and easily distracted as the boys. This is due to their upbringing. Boys are not anymore naturally inclined to be active or impulsive than girls. The way we act and respond socially has so much more to do with how we are raised.
I am skeptical about the rest of this book if it is as near-sighted as the first four chapters. Sorry for the rant.
Luckily, I have a partner who is well-versed in mind-body consciousness as well as gender constructions. She works with me to get through this. She is cognizant of how our minds work and what social constructions have led us here. Together, we talk through the problem and the ways that we can constructively solve our issues.
She understands how my father's emphasis on sports and his lack of expression has influenced me, despite my own formal education. It's not my dad's fault. His father raised him in much the same way.
Then there's the media and the cultures in which we grow up. Growing up a Buckeye fan, I watched men like Chris Spielman dominate his opponents by using an almost animal-like instinct for destroying his enemy. With reckless abandon, #36 would take out 300-pound blockers on his way to punishing tailbacks and wide receivers. If Chris Spielman ever cried, it was because they lost to Michigan, the Buckeyes' arch rival.
Years later, Spielman stood by his wife who was suffering from breast cancer. He left football for a time to be with her. I'm sure he cried during this time, but I wonder if he was ever able to find the words to express himself.
I've seen this same lack of emotional intelligence as a teacher. Boys come to school unable to express empathy or remorse. As their teacher, I would try to reflect on their behavioral or academic failings only to find that they hadn't ever learned how to express themselves. I feel I've spent more time teaching boys how to appropriately express emotions than any math strategy or reading comprehension.
__________________________________________________________________
Are we born this way? Will boys be boys? If it is our miseducation, is it limited to how we deal with emotions?In Raising Cain, Kindlon and Thompson want us to believe that the only failings in raising boys is our incompetence in in providing ways to deal with emotion, helping boys navigate body image, and dealing with teasing. While I agree with these findings, I do not agree that boys learn or act differently because of their biology.
Boys are not more active because they are wired that way. They are conditioned to play in a certain manner that encourages activity. Boys are constantly being shown images of male athletes flinging themselves across the playing field. Boys are different from girls because that's how we've raised them.
I have real troubles with Kindlon and Thompson using learned behavior to explain some issues with boys while ignoring others to suit their arguments.
I have primarily worked with lower income families in my teaching career. In these families, I have noticed that the girls can often be just as active or aggressive and easily distracted as the boys. This is due to their upbringing. Boys are not anymore naturally inclined to be active or impulsive than girls. The way we act and respond socially has so much more to do with how we are raised.
I am skeptical about the rest of this book if it is as near-sighted as the first four chapters. Sorry for the rant.
Guys can have emotions and be cool at the same time
In my past profession as a police officer it amazed me on why guys could not open up about what they are truly feeling. After a serious incident, a past agency, made it mandatory that all officers involved attend a “post incident debriefing” to discuss about what everyone is feeling. It amazed me that after going through something very serious and having tons of different feeling going through your head that a guy could not open up and tell what he is feeling. I only attended one of these debriefing before and when I was told to go I thought good here is my time to get all these feeling off my chest with they guys and girls who were there. I mean I could talk to my wife, but she would not understand what I was really going through after seeing going through a high speed car chase with 3 people who just robbed a bank with automatic weapons, and I was now chasing them at speeds of over 100 MPH traveling through 3 different counties and the only one on “my team” was a deputy whom I have never met. That the car they were driving drove through a fence and through a corn field and that we decided (me and the deputy) not to risk going through the field in a patrol car. The suspects were in s SUV. The SUV got away and ended up stopping at someone’s house and knocked on the door and then when it was answered shot both of them and then took their vehicle. Talk about second-guessing my decision not to chase. I was flooded with so much emotion that I got numb when it was time to go to work and while at work just went through the motions not wanting to be there. I thought that by getting all this junk out in the open would do me a lot of good. Then when the time came no one wanted to talk and me being a rookie in a department of over 500 officers in a debriefing involving over 30 officers I was not going to stand up and say what the heck is going on with me. I thought that I was weak because I was not able to deal with this while all my beat buddies acted like nothing was wrong them. Why is it so tough for a guy to show weakness and vulnerability in front of other guys?
After reading this it was a real eye opener. Guy/boys are brought up not to show weakness and when they do it is shunned upon. Boys are simply trained to be tough. I really liked the thought, after reading about the all boys’ school, of having an all boys classroom with a male teacher. I think that boys could benefit in not having girls around so they have to me macho at all times. I remember getting hurt on the playground and wanting to cry so bad and I didn’t only because I did not want everyone to laugh at me and the girls to think was less of a boy. In the 5th grade class that I am in, I see boys showing off to try and impress the girls. I think in a all boys; classroom you would not see this happening.
I have grown up in a family where the guys do not tell each other they love them and heaven forbid they hug each other. I am a person a deep love for other people and I frankly loving hugging another person. But I consider myself not in the norm. I have a son and there will never be a day where I do not tell him I love him or give him a big hug for n reason. I remember my dad used to tell me he loved me, and I cannot remember when he stopped. I know that he loves me but why did he stop telling me? I know he got it from his dad, cause when I give my grandpa a hug and tell him I love him he give me a half hug back and say “yeah”. Why not I love you too? Why is it so hard for a guy to tell another guy who is related to him that he loves them.
I want to share a post I wrote for a discussion board in a class. The question we where to respond to was “Why do we read to children”. I had a really hard and emotional night at work before I wrote this and it was really getting a lot of things off my chest. I do not think I answered the question the way my professor wanted me to, but I would not have changed it even if she told me too.
I have read to my son's preschool classes in the past dressed in my Police Officer's uniform. When I read to them, I simply would read a book picked out by his teacher. This Friday (and hopefully on a regular basis) I am going to my son’s kindergarten class and give a small presentation on following rules and the consequences for not doing so. I am also going to read a book (Officer Buckle and Gloria by Peggy Rathmann) to the class. I want to make me reading a book to them as a Police Officer a weekly event, if the teacher allows it. I feel that this is very beneficial to the young student in two ways. The first is of course the benefit they get of having a book read to them and the second is to let them know that a Police Officer is no one that they need to fear or not like.
Too many time in my line of work the only chance a young child has any knowledge about what a police officer does is when their parent is being pulled over for speeding or when they see one of their parents (or both – and yes this does happen) get arrested. A side note to that if the person that I am arresting is being “cool” with me and they are no serious threat to me or anyone else, I will ask the parent if they want their child to leave or ask them if they them selves would want to got to a different room to apply their handcuffs. I know I am right in doing my job (arresting the person that did something wrong) but I also know the impact on that child seeing me arresting their loved. They do not see me doing my job by putting away the bad guy; they simply see me taking their mommy or daddy away. Children that see this often grow up to hate police officers for no other reason than that. There is a mentality in society and with people that I work with (and yes I am guilty of it too) of having an us versus them attitude. Some people hate cops for not other reason than the line of work that they chose to do “serve and protect” the city, county or state they work for. I have a job to do and I simply do it. It matters not to me that I might be arresting a bad guy one day and then helping that same person find their child’s bike or the child themselves. I hold no grudges against anyone and I “unrealistically” think people do the same and that is not the case. Sometimes I am someone’s best friend when they need me or their worst enemy when I am there and they do not want me there. When I was working with an FTO (Field training officer) in Lincoln this old veteran told me something that I still remember and utilize to this day. He stated “When we as a police officers are dealing with a person, it is always on the worst day of their life’s and to not hold that against someone until I had a day as bad as theirs”. I think back to many encounters I have had when a person is getting a speeding ticket (and yes I have had plenty and know what they feel like), or when I am telling someone that his pregnant sister just died at the hands of a drunk driver when I was just telling him a week before that his mother was killed in a car wreck (true story), or when I am letting a loved one know that the person they wanted me to check on because they have not heard from them for while put a gun to his head, or when I am working an accident of a 16 year old who just got his license that day and is afraid of what mom and dad will do, or when I am arresting a 98 year old women because she did not know that her license had been suspended because she did not realize that she was supposed to send in proof of insurance when she received a notice to produce proof of insurance by the DOR, I could go on and on, but I hope that you get the picture.
There is a point to all this. Most people who do not know someone in law enforcement or happened to be married to one, do not understand that I put my shoes on one boot at a time like they do, that I would rather be home with my family reading a book to my son before he goes to bed than taking someone to jail. They do not understand that I cry (after my job is done and everything hits me) when I work a fatality accident involving the death of someone due to the hands of a drunk driver just like anyone else would (I actually feel guilty when I say a quick prayer thanking God that it is not my wife son or daughter that will be buried in 4 days with a closed casket because the injuries are so sever). Contrary to what people think, most police officer do not have ice water rushing through their veins. Most people do not understand that I get mad when someone I am taking to jail calls my wife every name in the book or they tell me they hope my child gets cancer and dies. I want to beat the crap out of him just like any other husband or dad would do, but I have to be “professional” and not say anything back just sit there an take it. Most people do not know that it makes me so sad to have to take someone’s child away because their parent did not provide a safe place for that child to be raised and that little child and kicking and screaming when being removed from his mother or father. Some people to not expect cops to be real human beings, but we are.
My son has no fear of a person wearing a uniform, whether it is a police officer, deputy sheriff or a state trooper and will often go up and tell person that his daddy is a police officer. I know that this is because of what I do for a living (not much longer though) and is around me all the time. Some children are never around a police officer unless in incidents like I listed above. I know that the more a child is exposed to a police officer on a friend to friend basis the more they will understand that a police office is no one to be scared of or to hate.
So my hope is that by me taking time to let that child know how much I care about them by coming on my free time to read them a book it will change their perceptions of police officers and know that they do care about them. I hope that someday when that child is an adult and is having “the worst day of their life” they can think back to when they where in kindergarten and remember a police officer loved them so much that he came and read them a book or remember that their friend Joshua’s, dad was a police officer and he read me a book every week and he was a pretty cool guy.
After reading this it was a real eye opener. Guy/boys are brought up not to show weakness and when they do it is shunned upon. Boys are simply trained to be tough. I really liked the thought, after reading about the all boys’ school, of having an all boys classroom with a male teacher. I think that boys could benefit in not having girls around so they have to me macho at all times. I remember getting hurt on the playground and wanting to cry so bad and I didn’t only because I did not want everyone to laugh at me and the girls to think was less of a boy. In the 5th grade class that I am in, I see boys showing off to try and impress the girls. I think in a all boys; classroom you would not see this happening.
I have grown up in a family where the guys do not tell each other they love them and heaven forbid they hug each other. I am a person a deep love for other people and I frankly loving hugging another person. But I consider myself not in the norm. I have a son and there will never be a day where I do not tell him I love him or give him a big hug for n reason. I remember my dad used to tell me he loved me, and I cannot remember when he stopped. I know that he loves me but why did he stop telling me? I know he got it from his dad, cause when I give my grandpa a hug and tell him I love him he give me a half hug back and say “yeah”. Why not I love you too? Why is it so hard for a guy to tell another guy who is related to him that he loves them.
I want to share a post I wrote for a discussion board in a class. The question we where to respond to was “Why do we read to children”. I had a really hard and emotional night at work before I wrote this and it was really getting a lot of things off my chest. I do not think I answered the question the way my professor wanted me to, but I would not have changed it even if she told me too.
I have read to my son's preschool classes in the past dressed in my Police Officer's uniform. When I read to them, I simply would read a book picked out by his teacher. This Friday (and hopefully on a regular basis) I am going to my son’s kindergarten class and give a small presentation on following rules and the consequences for not doing so. I am also going to read a book (Officer Buckle and Gloria by Peggy Rathmann) to the class. I want to make me reading a book to them as a Police Officer a weekly event, if the teacher allows it. I feel that this is very beneficial to the young student in two ways. The first is of course the benefit they get of having a book read to them and the second is to let them know that a Police Officer is no one that they need to fear or not like.
Too many time in my line of work the only chance a young child has any knowledge about what a police officer does is when their parent is being pulled over for speeding or when they see one of their parents (or both – and yes this does happen) get arrested. A side note to that if the person that I am arresting is being “cool” with me and they are no serious threat to me or anyone else, I will ask the parent if they want their child to leave or ask them if they them selves would want to got to a different room to apply their handcuffs. I know I am right in doing my job (arresting the person that did something wrong) but I also know the impact on that child seeing me arresting their loved. They do not see me doing my job by putting away the bad guy; they simply see me taking their mommy or daddy away. Children that see this often grow up to hate police officers for no other reason than that. There is a mentality in society and with people that I work with (and yes I am guilty of it too) of having an us versus them attitude. Some people hate cops for not other reason than the line of work that they chose to do “serve and protect” the city, county or state they work for. I have a job to do and I simply do it. It matters not to me that I might be arresting a bad guy one day and then helping that same person find their child’s bike or the child themselves. I hold no grudges against anyone and I “unrealistically” think people do the same and that is not the case. Sometimes I am someone’s best friend when they need me or their worst enemy when I am there and they do not want me there. When I was working with an FTO (Field training officer) in Lincoln this old veteran told me something that I still remember and utilize to this day. He stated “When we as a police officers are dealing with a person, it is always on the worst day of their life’s and to not hold that against someone until I had a day as bad as theirs”. I think back to many encounters I have had when a person is getting a speeding ticket (and yes I have had plenty and know what they feel like), or when I am telling someone that his pregnant sister just died at the hands of a drunk driver when I was just telling him a week before that his mother was killed in a car wreck (true story), or when I am letting a loved one know that the person they wanted me to check on because they have not heard from them for while put a gun to his head, or when I am working an accident of a 16 year old who just got his license that day and is afraid of what mom and dad will do, or when I am arresting a 98 year old women because she did not know that her license had been suspended because she did not realize that she was supposed to send in proof of insurance when she received a notice to produce proof of insurance by the DOR, I could go on and on, but I hope that you get the picture.
There is a point to all this. Most people who do not know someone in law enforcement or happened to be married to one, do not understand that I put my shoes on one boot at a time like they do, that I would rather be home with my family reading a book to my son before he goes to bed than taking someone to jail. They do not understand that I cry (after my job is done and everything hits me) when I work a fatality accident involving the death of someone due to the hands of a drunk driver just like anyone else would (I actually feel guilty when I say a quick prayer thanking God that it is not my wife son or daughter that will be buried in 4 days with a closed casket because the injuries are so sever). Contrary to what people think, most police officer do not have ice water rushing through their veins. Most people do not understand that I get mad when someone I am taking to jail calls my wife every name in the book or they tell me they hope my child gets cancer and dies. I want to beat the crap out of him just like any other husband or dad would do, but I have to be “professional” and not say anything back just sit there an take it. Most people do not know that it makes me so sad to have to take someone’s child away because their parent did not provide a safe place for that child to be raised and that little child and kicking and screaming when being removed from his mother or father. Some people to not expect cops to be real human beings, but we are.
My son has no fear of a person wearing a uniform, whether it is a police officer, deputy sheriff or a state trooper and will often go up and tell person that his daddy is a police officer. I know that this is because of what I do for a living (not much longer though) and is around me all the time. Some children are never around a police officer unless in incidents like I listed above. I know that the more a child is exposed to a police officer on a friend to friend basis the more they will understand that a police office is no one to be scared of or to hate.
So my hope is that by me taking time to let that child know how much I care about them by coming on my free time to read them a book it will change their perceptions of police officers and know that they do care about them. I hope that someday when that child is an adult and is having “the worst day of their life” they can think back to when they where in kindergarten and remember a police officer loved them so much that he came and read them a book or remember that their friend Joshua’s, dad was a police officer and he read me a book every week and he was a pretty cool guy.
I thought I knew...
self/friends, family/media and culture/your own students
I thought I knew myself and why I turned out the way I did, why I am so laid back, seem to take everything in stride and keep a straight face all the time. I thought it was because I just truly was didn't care about much, not much seemed to bother me, I am always on the fence about things. I now realize that growing up made me have a hard shell that to me was impervious to any negative comment thrown my way. Growing up in the neighborhood and school that I did, this shell had to be in place, if I was going to make it out alive. Even when I reflect on incidents that happened to me (freshman baseball team hazing) I don't feel like they scar me to the point that I am hurt all over again. I like to consider myself a "walking oxymoron" because everything I do seems to contradict itself somehow. I think of myself as an empathetic person that can relate to my students about various boyhood incidents of teasing or violence, but at the same tell I'm thinking to myself "just toughen up". I have been with my fiancee for 3 years now and for the first time recently when a whirlwind of events hit me, I cried in front of her for the first time and honestly could not tell her what was wrong with me. I always have trouble pinpointing what is wrong with me emotionally. Raising Cain has finally explained to me why I can't
As I previously stated growing up in my neighborhood, much like other neighborhoods, a boy had to either be liked by the girls, be athletic, or be funny. Being smart was uncool, I voluntarily dropped out of a gifted program after one year, because I was the only person in the whole school to leave the school for more enriching and challenging material. I was ridiculed for this by my peers and was called weird or a nerd. I just wanted to fit in. So I never participated in class (however fear of a whooping from my parents kept me in check enough to still complete my schoolwork and complete it well) but I did my work secretly as to not "rock the boat".
I see my own students following this class. One particular 4th grade boy comes to mind. He is a very bright boy but just does not want to do the work, is sometimes physically abusive to other students, and is verbally abusive as well. The behavior intervention program that my district incorporates is more focused on the psychology of the students, "why did you this, how did that make you feel, etc". While this is a district wide initiative, I see that the interventions are used more like a discussion with the girls rather than the boys. When a girl "acts up" in class she is sent to the safe seat and processed (discussing the behavior, why, and how they felt) appropriately and more calmly. When a boy "acts up" they are scolded to go to the safe seat and the processing is fairly superficial because of the boys initial reluctantness or lack of skill to speak about his emotions.
The fact that boys and men truly do have emotions that drive their actions (other than anger) is something that has been lost in our society. Like I said before, I thought I know why I acted so laissez-faire about everything, that was just the personality I was born with, but it was because I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. I thought I knew...
I thought I knew myself and why I turned out the way I did, why I am so laid back, seem to take everything in stride and keep a straight face all the time. I thought it was because I just truly was didn't care about much, not much seemed to bother me, I am always on the fence about things. I now realize that growing up made me have a hard shell that to me was impervious to any negative comment thrown my way. Growing up in the neighborhood and school that I did, this shell had to be in place, if I was going to make it out alive. Even when I reflect on incidents that happened to me (freshman baseball team hazing) I don't feel like they scar me to the point that I am hurt all over again. I like to consider myself a "walking oxymoron" because everything I do seems to contradict itself somehow. I think of myself as an empathetic person that can relate to my students about various boyhood incidents of teasing or violence, but at the same tell I'm thinking to myself "just toughen up". I have been with my fiancee for 3 years now and for the first time recently when a whirlwind of events hit me, I cried in front of her for the first time and honestly could not tell her what was wrong with me. I always have trouble pinpointing what is wrong with me emotionally. Raising Cain has finally explained to me why I can't
As I previously stated growing up in my neighborhood, much like other neighborhoods, a boy had to either be liked by the girls, be athletic, or be funny. Being smart was uncool, I voluntarily dropped out of a gifted program after one year, because I was the only person in the whole school to leave the school for more enriching and challenging material. I was ridiculed for this by my peers and was called weird or a nerd. I just wanted to fit in. So I never participated in class (however fear of a whooping from my parents kept me in check enough to still complete my schoolwork and complete it well) but I did my work secretly as to not "rock the boat".
I see my own students following this class. One particular 4th grade boy comes to mind. He is a very bright boy but just does not want to do the work, is sometimes physically abusive to other students, and is verbally abusive as well. The behavior intervention program that my district incorporates is more focused on the psychology of the students, "why did you this, how did that make you feel, etc". While this is a district wide initiative, I see that the interventions are used more like a discussion with the girls rather than the boys. When a girl "acts up" in class she is sent to the safe seat and processed (discussing the behavior, why, and how they felt) appropriately and more calmly. When a boy "acts up" they are scolded to go to the safe seat and the processing is fairly superficial because of the boys initial reluctantness or lack of skill to speak about his emotions.
The fact that boys and men truly do have emotions that drive their actions (other than anger) is something that has been lost in our society. Like I said before, I thought I know why I acted so laissez-faire about everything, that was just the personality I was born with, but it was because I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. I thought I knew...
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Perception
Where does a man sit on the bus on a field trip with junior high students? The question of how men are perceived in elementary education can be answered when one answers this question. A man can't sit with any student without a comment with the implication that he is a pedophile. If he sits with a fellow female teacher he must be an adulterer. Men in my experience are not well thought of by there students .
When I asked my students to write to the prompt "What is a man?" I was very suprised by the responses I got. It allowed me to see inside their minds in ways that I never dreamed. It also in my mind answered a question as to why they say such disrespectful things to a teacher. However I will wait to share their reactions and my Ruby Payne evaluations of their reactions for when we meet. What I would like to talk about is my reaction to the chapters that I have read. The first thing that came to my mind was that it was quite the eyeopener for me as a father and a teacher. I realized that my job as a male role model for those in my life requires that I think carefully before I do or act in anyway so as not to do irreputable harm.
The book was an eye opener for me in that it forced me to look at myself and evaluate things about myself. I looked at my own relationships and the boys and men in my life and who they are. I looked at the experiences that we share and I looked at them through the experiences shared in the book.
I couldn't believe some of the practices that I see in our school that go against what is talked about in the book. For instance by age six my school has students in reading recovery telling them that they are are already behind in reading. Is it possible that at age six students are just ready to learn to read.
I ask myself is it possible that perhaps society is creating its own problems. Are we over medicating and defending our children when perhaps the need for reprimand is there instead. Many times I have had to deal with the parent tho refuses to let their child be punished, but instead defends the child's actions.
I guess more than anything I look forward to being able to talk aobut what I have read and my reaction to it. I have been discussing it with my fellow teachers and I am planning on asking that we use the book as a book study for our faculty. There is so much in the book that I think everyone can learn from.
When I asked my students to write to the prompt "What is a man?" I was very suprised by the responses I got. It allowed me to see inside their minds in ways that I never dreamed. It also in my mind answered a question as to why they say such disrespectful things to a teacher. However I will wait to share their reactions and my Ruby Payne evaluations of their reactions for when we meet. What I would like to talk about is my reaction to the chapters that I have read. The first thing that came to my mind was that it was quite the eyeopener for me as a father and a teacher. I realized that my job as a male role model for those in my life requires that I think carefully before I do or act in anyway so as not to do irreputable harm.
The book was an eye opener for me in that it forced me to look at myself and evaluate things about myself. I looked at my own relationships and the boys and men in my life and who they are. I looked at the experiences that we share and I looked at them through the experiences shared in the book.
I couldn't believe some of the practices that I see in our school that go against what is talked about in the book. For instance by age six my school has students in reading recovery telling them that they are are already behind in reading. Is it possible that at age six students are just ready to learn to read.
I ask myself is it possible that perhaps society is creating its own problems. Are we over medicating and defending our children when perhaps the need for reprimand is there instead. Many times I have had to deal with the parent tho refuses to let their child be punished, but instead defends the child's actions.
I guess more than anything I look forward to being able to talk aobut what I have read and my reaction to it. I have been discussing it with my fellow teachers and I am planning on asking that we use the book as a book study for our faculty. There is so much in the book that I think everyone can learn from.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Avoiding the Obvious
This past Sunday Times (Actually, it was two Sunday's ago. It has taken me a while to finish this post.) contained an article by a Harvard sociologist who points to the relational breakdowns between black men and women as one of the underlying factors to the troubles for African-American men. This breakdown manifests in domestic violence and misogyny. The real problem is that no one is talking about how sexism has helped foster many of the problems that plague black men.
This is the same problem I see in schools. We don't talk about gender and its effect on student learning. Not only are there too few men teaching in elementary schools, but schools continue to perpetuate gender roles. These roles are too constraining for boys especially. While the advancements for gender equality has allowed girls to forge their own identities (although, we still have a long way to go with this), boys are being left behind and failing miserably at school. They are confused as to whether they are to be lost boys or choir boys.
My main point is that we have to talk about gender, especially the dominant gender in order to get at what's ailing our male students. To ignore the failings of masculinity is to ignore our failings in education. When we as educators decide to discuss this issue openly and search for ways in which we can transform gender into something that allows our boys to succeed, then we may be able to help them avoid some of the same problems in the Times piece.
This is the same problem I see in schools. We don't talk about gender and its effect on student learning. Not only are there too few men teaching in elementary schools, but schools continue to perpetuate gender roles. These roles are too constraining for boys especially. While the advancements for gender equality has allowed girls to forge their own identities (although, we still have a long way to go with this), boys are being left behind and failing miserably at school. They are confused as to whether they are to be lost boys or choir boys.
My main point is that we have to talk about gender, especially the dominant gender in order to get at what's ailing our male students. To ignore the failings of masculinity is to ignore our failings in education. When we as educators decide to discuss this issue openly and search for ways in which we can transform gender into something that allows our boys to succeed, then we may be able to help them avoid some of the same problems in the Times piece.
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