When I was up to an early grader, I think I had still rubbed my mom's breasts like a baby. Since my mom had breastfed me, it was a kind of "toy" for me. I still remember the warmth of my mom's belly and bosom. When I entered my upper grader years or adolescent period, I started to distance hugging or embracing or touching mom's bosom. I started to see my mother as a human being and objectively. Before this period, my mom was always right and my dad was always wrong!
During my adolescent period, I started to see her demerits, weaknesses, and shortnesses of her views and personality. Sometimes I was really angry at her so I hit the wall with my fist in front of her. Shame on me! I started to understand father more as the turning point of my adolescent period. I think I didn't talk about much of the girls that I liked during my adolescent period and others such as a religion. I had to hide my attending church for a year and half to my mom.
During my college, I joined students' democracy movements which my mom was against me stopping it. I realized that I and my mom were different to see life and society, but I could understand why she was thinking that way. Through her family history, the society, and the history, I could unterstand her so my relationship with mom was not a big issue for me. I always had a belief that my mom could understand me eventually because I am her son.
Somehow and sometimes, even now, I weep and cry when I think of my mom, who went through a rough life: The Korean War, losing her dad and house at her young age, losing her brother in the miliary service , eventually her mom. She have lost one by one. When I was young, whenever we visited the national cemetry where her brother was buried, on the memorial day, my mom was crying so bitterly. At the time I didn't understand why she had to cry so bitterly, but now I understand her. I think my mom has been a big part of me and my life. I think my thinking and emotion is still a lot under her influence, whereas I try to distance hers from my wife's one intentionally after my marriage.
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1 comment:
This is a very thoughtful and honest entry and direct. So many of us start out with rejecting our parents and then slowly come to understand, if not embrace, them. I always hope that people do this before it's too late. My theory is that we slowly "absorb" our parents and they become part of us--we become NOT them and them--at the same time.
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