I thought I knew...

self/friends, family/media and culture/your own students

I thought I knew myself and why I turned out the way I did, why I am so laid back, seem to take everything in stride and keep a straight face all the time. I thought it was because I just truly was didn't care about much, not much seemed to bother me, I am always on the fence about things. I now realize that growing up made me have a hard shell that to me was impervious to any negative comment thrown my way. Growing up in the neighborhood and school that I did, this shell had to be in place, if I was going to make it out alive. Even when I reflect on incidents that happened to me (freshman baseball team hazing) I don't feel like they scar me to the point that I am hurt all over again. I like to consider myself a "walking oxymoron" because everything I do seems to contradict itself somehow. I think of myself as an empathetic person that can relate to my students about various boyhood incidents of teasing or violence, but at the same tell I'm thinking to myself "just toughen up". I have been with my fiancee for 3 years now and for the first time recently when a whirlwind of events hit me, I cried in front of her for the first time and honestly could not tell her what was wrong with me. I always have trouble pinpointing what is wrong with me emotionally. Raising Cain has finally explained to me why I can't

As I previously stated growing up in my neighborhood, much like other neighborhoods, a boy had to either be liked by the girls, be athletic, or be funny. Being smart was uncool, I voluntarily dropped out of a gifted program after one year, because I was the only person in the whole school to leave the school for more enriching and challenging material. I was ridiculed for this by my peers and was called weird or a nerd. I just wanted to fit in. So I never participated in class (however fear of a whooping from my parents kept me in check enough to still complete my schoolwork and complete it well) but I did my work secretly as to not "rock the boat".

I see my own students following this class. One particular 4th grade boy comes to mind. He is a very bright boy but just does not want to do the work, is sometimes physically abusive to other students, and is verbally abusive as well. The behavior intervention program that my district incorporates is more focused on the psychology of the students, "why did you this, how did that make you feel, etc". While this is a district wide initiative, I see that the interventions are used more like a discussion with the girls rather than the boys. When a girl "acts up" in class she is sent to the safe seat and processed (discussing the behavior, why, and how they felt) appropriately and more calmly. When a boy "acts up" they are scolded to go to the safe seat and the processing is fairly superficial because of the boys initial reluctantness or lack of skill to speak about his emotions.

The fact that boys and men truly do have emotions that drive their actions (other than anger) is something that has been lost in our society. Like I said before, I thought I know why I acted so laissez-faire about everything, that was just the personality I was born with, but it was because I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. I thought I knew...