Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll

Sex, drugs, and rock and roll all complicate our lives. And it seems like they were all created to really have an effect on boys. It was no accident that Kindlon and Thompson wrapped up Raising Cane with chapters on the subjects. (I'm equating rock and roll with anger - it's the only way my argument can hold any water.)

We are inundated with images of sex, especially those images appealing to heterosexual men. When something is deemed "sexy" or "sexual" in manner, it usually refers to scantily-clad women making advances on men, not the other way around. Boys are told from day 1 that sex is there for their enjoyment, and that the women (or sometimes men) are the objects of that enjoyment...that is, until they start asking for things like emotional intimacy or commitment.

And what is sex often used to sell? Alcohol.

Take the ad to the right for an example: a degrading, sexually suggestive photo with a bottle of the advertised vodka prominently place in front. What's the message here? This vodka will lead to sexual enjoyment for the man who chooses to drink it.

The connections between sex and violence even go further in confusing male identity. Nowhere is this more played out than in film, especially those in the horror and action genres. Check out this trailer for the 1978 film, Halloween.

Sexually suggestive situations and attractive girls are juxtaposed with images of extreme violence.

All of these confusing elements can also be seen or heard through rock and roll music. The term "rock and roll" was even used at one time to describe sex. In addition to the sexual undertones, the music has often been associated with images of excess. This excess has been particularly associated with sex and drugs. To demonstrate some of the effects, here are some scenes from the classic documentary, Heavy Metal Parking Lot.

Of course, this excess in music is not limited to rock music...Go to this link to see a satirical look at hip-hop videos.

My argument is not that sex, drugs, and rock and roll are bad. However, the ideas and images associated with them can be confusing for young boys. They need to understand that none of these things should be enjoyed in excess...well, except rock and roll.

It is important for boys to understand how to properly translate these images and messages, plus how to express their feelings about their masculinity or relationships. To leave them with nothing more that some images of sex, violence, and excess without any coping mechanisms is asking for trouble.

For most of my childhood, I was exposed to many of these messages in mass media. The thing that helped me understand why these images of manhood exist and their true purpose was the conversations I had with my dad. He explained what Prince meant when he sang ," I knew a girl named Nikki/I guess you could say she was a sex friend/I met her in a hotel lobby/masturbating with a magazine."

We watched films like Up the Creek or Porky's and my dad discussed how these sexual situations were not real, they were fictionalized to entertain. The was a clear difference between entertainment and real life in our home.

As I look back over my years of teaching, I've seen many, many students struggle with these images. Most, if any, did not receive the same guidance I did in learning to reconcile these confusing messages with our identities. I remember having to teach boys that calling a girl a "chicken head" was not acceptable. They didn't understand what the problem was.

Then there has been times when the kids have called each other "gay" or "faggot". The fights boys have been in over someone saying "your momma" have gotten out of control. The combination of confusing images and lack of parental guidance that is gender-neutral can cause many problems for these boys as they grow an develop.

Gendered Extremes

I honestly haven't read any of the posts on this week's readings. So, I apologize if I'm repeating any of your points.

I wanted to address the argument in "How Boys and Girls Learn Differently". I avoided this piece until the last possible second. Statements like this make me cringe. It limits how we address boys and girls. It totally ignores the progress in society due to movements in feminism and the queer community.

Men are not from Mars and women are not from Venus. We both live on Earth.

The authors make very valid points as to the physical differences in males and females. I won't deny that. But they seem to overvalue the importance of biology over social conditioning and evolution. Is it possible that certain parts of a person's brain develop better when they receive stimulation that supports brain development, like lifting weights to build an isolated muscle? Could humankind have slowly weeded out characteristics that were more androgynous than others over the course of time? It's obvious that males and females are different, but how have our behaviors and traditions perpetuated these differences?

The authors point out how our current society (I assume they mean the West) demonstrates both more androgynous developments as well as more traditionally gendered outcomes. They accurately attribute the differences due to the struggle of resources. However, the scarcity of resources has little connection to biology. Maybe they should look at how power structures skewed by the uneven distribution of resources has an effect on gender roles.

Additionally, why does the growth of more gendered households mean that sex dictates it so. I see widening gap in political and social views in the US. While feminism has allowed women to choose motherhood, careers, or both, many families, communities are trying to hold onto what they feel are traditions in family structures. I see extremes in gender roles that are due more to choice and privilege than sex.

How do we explain families of single-sex parents?I have female friends who are raising their child together. As far as gender roles, there are overlaps everywhere. Their son loves balls as much as dolls. He plays with his blocks in equal amounts with his kitchen set. When will biology make this all void?

I go back and forth on the authors' arguments...

When considering the advanced growth in only men due to raised levels of testosterone, I realize the authors have neglected to mention that similar patterns have existed in women as well. My wife is nearly 5'11". Her grandparents were both 5'4". Could there be other factors? Her father (over 6'2") is a chemical engineer and grew up in an auto worker's household during the automotive boom. His shorter parents grew up in a much more impoverished environment. Could malnutrition/greater nutrition have had a much greater effect than lower/increased levels of testosterone?

When I look to my students over the last ten years, I again see the differences primarily caused socially, not biologically. Fathers and mothers of sons celebrate athletic achievements and allow their sons certain liberties with their speech. Girls are coddled, protected. As a result of the differences, they act differently.

Of course, I have found that when there are students who diverge from these gendered characteristics, there is also a divergence in their upbringing. More athletic, "butch" girls have relationships with their fathers revolving around sports or more (so-called) masculine activities. Conversely, boys more attached to their mothers (usually single parents) with strong female role-models such as sisters and aunts tend to demonstrate supposedly feminine characteristics.

Biology alone cannot explain these differences and variances. Again, I'm not saying they're not factors, but a more balanced argument has to be made.

Two points

"A boy's desire to be powerful isn't as much about muscle as it is about heart and the fact that if you allow yourself to be dependent on someone--for a smile, for love, for sex, for self-respect--then you can be devastated by her as well." (Chapter 10)

When my proposal was rejected by my first love, I was in despair for a long time. I was at 19. I was frustrated for a long time. I was trying hard to fix it many ways. But I think I was too bold, too naive, too innocent and too ignorant at that time as to my maturity. The moment that I was rejected by her was like I felt a big humiliation. It was difficult to accept it. Why, why, why! I just ketp asking myself and thinking about her. And I knew the answer. I know the answer.

"With boys, the combination of anger and alcohol is a recipe for violence." (Chapter 11)

While I was in despair due to the unsuccessful love, I started to drink. And I was also angry at our government at that time due to killing civilians with military force. I was surprised by my drinking habits. I noticed I became aggressive and violent while and after drinking. I often broke the beer mugs while cheering up hard. I punched hard a punching machine after drinking to realize that all my knuckles were bruised next morning. And I even climbed over the second floor of the building from the window side using only two poles outside to sneak in for a sleep on campus. As I remember, it was a dangerous act. Due to my bad drinking habit, I decided to try refraining from drinking ever since.

Chapter 11 & 12

Chapter 11

One of the toughest things to combat with junior high students is that need to be in physical contact with each other. For instance boys in my school love to hit each other in the genitals in the same manner discussed in the book. To me it seems to be a cruel and pointless game in which the boys will pick on one boy and that everyone is to gang up on that boy.
The only way I found to effectively combat this behavior was to threaten to have the boys call their fathers at work and explain to their father why they were touching another boy’s genitalia. It did stop the “ball tapping,” but the physical contact still exists. The boys are always pushing, shoving, stealing from each other and then responding physically because of the loss. I agree that a certain amount of physical activity amongst students is to be expected. I wish that my school was able to provide someone for the most violent of the boys to visit with; some type of anger management.
One way that I do allow the boys to explore their feelings and express their more aggressive nature is in their writing. I encourage the boys to write about battles, warfare, zombies, and anything else that they want to talk about. I believe as long as they are writing about it then they have a way to let it out of their aggression. My fellow teachers are unsure, but I think that the boys need to have an outlet for their aggression.


Chapter 12

I found this chapter to be full of good advice on how to work with young men. Overall what I learned is that boys need relationships that are open in communication so that the boy has someone to help him try and figure out who he is as a person. This final chapter was a great way to end the book. I enjoyed the advice it gave to me on how to mentor my students and help them to make the passage into manhood easier than what I faced.
“The only way to make a difference with a boy is to give him powerful experiences that speak to his inner life that speaks to his soul and let him know that he is entitled to have the full range of human experience (Kindlon and Thompson 258).” I feel that I need to encourage and inspire my students through words, actions, and deeds and this book has given me some of the tools need to do that. Perhaps I can find a way to help my students to have a life changing experience such as described at the end of chapter twelve. This book has really forced me to question what it is that I want to do with my career. How can I best make a positive impact on my students? Do I remain in the classroom or do I move on to counseling or administration. So many times over the course of reading this book I have questioned what the best place is for me in education. What position will allow me to have the most positive impact on my students? All I can say for sure is that I truly enjoyed reading this book and that I have enjoyed sharing this book with my coworkers.

Chapter 10

One of my students at the beginning of this year asked me if what her older sister had told her about me was true. She went on to explain that her older sister that I was always managing to break up the boyfriend girlfriend relationships that I heard about. She said that her sister told that it was best to avoid letting me know who was dating. The best part is that she is right. To me junior high is too young to be dating. To me dating starts with holding hands, then you get bored with that, and then you kiss until that is boring, and when that starts to get boring sex happens.
One of my first days at Auxvasse a fellow female teacher said to me, “Have you watched that girl, she is in heat.” Sure enough by the end of the year she had developed a type of reputation that no one should have. It seems that she truly was experiencing raging hormones that she just couldn’t control.
The class that this girl is in are now freshmen and some of the male students have come back to tell me about their sexual exploits or conquests. It disturbs me to know how casual the students treat sex. What I feel is worse is the types of things that I hear about they are doing as they have sex. One young couple was reported to have recorded their session on a videotape to share with their friends. It seems that sex for high school students is like a right of passage for them into high school. It is no wonder that the statistic that I heard about Detroit is true. I heard on the radio that 60% of the children born in Detroit do not know who their fathers are.
One of my daily goals is to teach my male students to have the upmost respect for the female part of our class. I tell them daily that chivalry is not dead. Genteelness, chivalry, and good manners are things that can and should be taught. I think that teaching such manners teaches students to have respect for themselves as well as those around them.

Chapter 9

As a young man I drank to rebel against my parents and everything that they stood for in my life. My father was a part time minister and a full time highway patrolman. Growing up everyone thought that I was a goodie-goodie and so I started to drink. I never realized that my drinking which at first was to rebel soon became a way to fill an emotional void. My parents had seven kids and my dad worked two jobs. My parents didn’t have a lot of time for each of us and it only got worse when my younger brother died. I was sent to live with the neighbors for a time as my mother struggled with a bout of depression. I have had a lot of opportunity to look back on my life and I realized that my drinking which started in eighth grade was for me a way to hide the pain of being forgotten my mother and wanting to prove that just because my dad was a cop and a minister I could be just as tough as everyone else.
I can look at some of my students and realize that they are doing the same thing. The one’s I know are drinking and experimenting with marijuana are the one’s who are seeking to fill a void created primarily through divorce. The student’s who I know are experimenting are the one’s who are craving their parents to notice them and spend time with them.
The stories that they tell of their experiences with the drinking and the marijuana are filled with dramatic acts and deeds that if they were sober or clearheaded the students never would have considered doing such stupid things. I find myself sharing some of my experiences and trying to guide and caution my students to avoid the traps and pitfalls that their experimentation will bring. My one hope is that possibly some might listen.

I really enjoyed the reading on "How Boys and Girls Learn Differently" because it was a great follow up to a discussion that my co-workers had at the end of last year. We had proposed to our school administration that we should be allowed to segregate the classes between boys and girls essentially giving us a class of all boys and a class of all girls for English and history. My coworker even wrote an annotated bibliography citing sources for reasons why it would be great for our students. However we were told that it was to radical of an idea and that the parents in the district would never accept it.

I appreciated the article because it supported the ideas that my coworkers and I had concerning our students academic needs. We all felt that it would be great to be able to teach to the needs of the students rather than allow the social interaction to have an influence on the learning environment. I agree that the social interaction of male and female will always have an influence, but if we could teach to one gender at a time then wouldn't we be better serving the needs of the students. This article seem to confirm a need to teach to the differences that exist in the way that males and females learn. It was a very enlightening read.

KOMU Report

Did anyone see this? Both Roy and I were featured in this report a couple of years ago on KOMU. It has some good information in relation to what we're doing currently with MMEET.

I and my mom

When I was up to an early grader, I think I had still rubbed my mom's breasts like a baby. Since my mom had breastfed me, it was a kind of "toy" for me. I still remember the warmth of my mom's belly and bosom. When I entered my upper grader years or adolescent period, I started to distance hugging or embracing or touching mom's bosom. I started to see my mother as a human being and objectively. Before this period, my mom was always right and my dad was always wrong!

During my adolescent period, I started to see her demerits, weaknesses, and shortnesses of her views and personality. Sometimes I was really angry at her so I hit the wall with my fist in front of her. Shame on me! I started to understand father more as the turning point of my adolescent period. I think I didn't talk about much of the girls that I liked during my adolescent period and others such as a religion. I had to hide my attending church for a year and half to my mom.

During my college, I joined students' democracy movements which my mom was against me stopping it. I realized that I and my mom were different to see life and society, but I could understand why she was thinking that way. Through her family history, the society, and the history, I could unterstand her so my relationship with mom was not a big issue for me. I always had a belief that my mom could understand me eventually because I am her son.

Somehow and sometimes, even now, I weep and cry when I think of my mom, who went through a rough life: The Korean War, losing her dad and house at her young age, losing her brother in the miliary service , eventually her mom. She have lost one by one. When I was young, whenever we visited the national cemetry where her brother was buried, on the memorial day, my mom was crying so bitterly. At the time I didn't understand why she had to cry so bitterly, but now I understand her. I think my mom has been a big part of me and my life. I think my thinking and emotion is still a lot under her influence, whereas I try to distance hers from my wife's one intentionally after my marriage.

reading

Having a 6 yead old son his past two halloween customes were a power ranger and this year a spider man. THey both had the big muscles as Grant said. Joshua wears them around the house all the time and it is funny seeing him like a mini hercules. WHen he wears the customes he comes up to me and says Daddy feel my big muslces. He loves having the customes so he can have big muscles.

The chapter about moms really made me think. I have always got along with my dad, but I have never had the honest open relationship that i have had and still have with my mom. She is the one person that I know no matter what I do or get yslef into, she will always be there for me, even to this day. I thnk my wife does not like that we are so close. After reading that chapter about that it made me realize why I am so close to her. Like the boy in the chapter who did not tell his mom about a break up, I ran into a situation like that in undergrad. My mom was completly devasted that I did not tell her aobut it when it happened. And the funny thing is, is that she did not like that particlar girl, yet she was still upset that I did not tell her.

My dad was always the one that I could count on to give me an honest answer when it came to my critiqing myself about sports. I would ask him what I could do to improve my game or what ever and he would tell me his opinion. If I was to ask my mom she would be like, you did great...I do not think you colud do any better.

I see my son going to my wife more when he is sad or unhappy. I do not know why he does this, becase I do not think I have ever given him the impression that it is okay to be sad or that is it ok to cry. He does not like me seeing him cry either. He will go behind the chair or completyl into another room just so I do not see him crying.

Gender-Inhibited Parenting

In every classroom in which I've been, there is always at least one boy who takes notice of me. He doesn't see anything but me. He asks me several questions. He checks to see where I'm going next. He tries to impress me with his exploits. This boy wants me to take notice of him.

Coincidentally, it usually turns out that these boys have the most strained relationships with their fathers. There are the strict disciplinarians who only know to come down hard on their sons when the grades and behavior reports aren't up to (unrealistic) expectations. There are the fathers who aren't there. Instead, these fathers are absent, in jail, with their other family, or even dead. There are the fathers who only care about sports (or some other equally masculine endeavor) and a sense of competition always exists between these fathers and sons.

Often times, these same boys have strained relationships with their mothers. Although they need some coddling and support when their emotional states are in distress, the mothers over-do it enabling their sons to express their anger in more inappropriate ways. Some of the mothers also have high expectations, trying to make their sons something their fathers, brothers, or husbands never were. There are also those mothers who don't know what to do with boys. They allow them to run amok because they feel hopeless about their own skills to parent boys due to their failed relationships with abusive men in their lives. Single mothers are sometimes unable to provide the care and attention their sons (and daughters) need as they are trying to make up for the lack of support from the father.

I have mostly experienced this need for my attention from boys. This might be because I'm a man, but I suspect it also has to do with how these boys are failed by their parents. The ways in which parents struggle to connect with their sons described in Raising Cane have always been evident in how the male students in my classes have struggled over the years.

While these shortcomings are rather obvious in boys who have struggled in my classrooms, it is not so obvious with the sons of my friends. I have several friends who are raising kids, most of them in the early ages of life (<1-5) and I notice the subtle differences in how these friends raise their sons and daughters.

My friends treat their children in ways that reinforce gender stereotypes in ways that I never expected. The boys are often allowed to wreak havoc and expected to bounce back from injury or set backs. The girls are coddled and protected. The boys are encouraged to be rough-and-tumble types while the girls are called "princess" or "little girl" as opposed to their names.

I often wonder if the problems described in Raising Cane and present in my classrooms might be exasperated by this difference in treatment or acceptance of gender identity by the parents.

I don't understand these parent's connection to socially-constructed gender roles. Why don't fathers wrestle with their daughters? I have wrestled many times with my niece. She gets as much enjoyment out of it as my nephew. There is no inherent difference between these siblings based on their biological make-up.

Do boys struggle with relating to their parents because they are not receiving attention that is appropriate for boys? OR do they struggle because they are limited in accepting or giving affection by their gender?

Again, this is where modern parenting and books like Raising Cane fail children. The essential problem lies within gender. Children and parents are limited by unrealistic expectations or accept behavior as being the way it is instead of questioning its healthfulness. Boys have not cornered the market of activity, just as girls are not the only ones allowed to express feeling. The distance between boys and girls and their parents lies exists in the blind acceptance of gender.

The Three C's

As far as I can remember I have had an awesome relationship with my father. Of course there were times that I disliked him and times when I upset him but that's totally natural right? Again Raising Cain has "exposed" me to things that I guess I subconciously knew existed but never really paid attention to.

One thing that really got my memories going ws the discussion about "Control, Competition, and Criticism". My father used those "3 C's" all the time. The ever so popular "because I said so" is a prime example of control. I heard this all the time and as I got older I had conversations with my father exposing this statement as a means of power or control. He, as well as my mom, used this statement when they didn't have a response to my question that made sense. E.G. During the summer after my first year in college I stayed out pretty late (by their standards) and he began confronting me with the situation and telling me I was wrong for doing it and yada yada yada. Anyway, my response was "what is the difference of me staying out until 6 am in Columbia and staying out until 6 am here?" Because he couldn't give me a logical response he deferred to the use of parental control "because I said so."

I think that part of the reason that I'm not very much into sports is because anytime I tried to play something, my dad, much like the father of the golfer in the book, took all the fun out of it. So usually I just didn't try very hard and made it appear as though I would never be good at whatever the sport was so he would just give up on me.

Finally criticism. i was criticized for everything. If I had straight A's his response was "Next time it should be A+'s" Nothing I ever did was good enough, their was always room for improvement. While I'm sure that he truly wanted the best for me and thought that this was the most effective way of helping me reach my full potential, a little praise would have been nice.

While I hold very high expectations for my students, I tend to push my students to do their best all the time. However what I have made it a point to do is give praise. For example, one day I was teaching volume to the class. The previous day they had discovered on their own that to find the volume of something all they had to do was multiply the heighth by the width by the length. During a review for the upcoming common assessment I went over volume and one student couldn't remember how to find the volume of an object, even though I specifically remember this student telling me the equation the day before. After questioning her through the process she remembered the equation and for that I gave her genuine praise. This is not always an easy thing for me to do. A part of me wanted to just say to her "Ok. Good. Now make sure you don't forget it again!" The comment would have been well intentioned because I want her to do well, however the praise wouldn't have been there.

Note about These Posts

I am impressed with all of these posts to the blog--their directness and honesty; the way they often connect the book to our own lives and our daily classroom lives. Wunnerful work!

Good Morning Ms./Mrs. King!!!

This semester I have had the pleasure of rotating through every grade level before my student teaching next semester. On occasions I have the opportunities to substitute teach in my school. Today was one of those days. I got to sub in my favorite grade level...kindergarten (and by favorite I mean my least favorite). I just thought I would give a quick remark to the fact that in my school I, besides the head custodian, am THE only male figure in the entire school. So today as I substituted in kindergarten, I was constantly called Ms. or Mrs. King. Each time I would asked "What did you just call me? Do I look like a Ms. or Mrs.?" More often than not, this left the students with a look of bewilderment on their face because they truly did not know to refer to me as Mr. Apparently they have had very little to no exposure to males that they were to refer to as Mr. I can handle being called Ms. or Mrs. occasionally but for students not even to recognize that I am a Mr. or a sir (one student referred to me as ma'am and truly was not trying to be funny).

Events like these make me think of that education urban legend or joke (whichever you prefer to call it) that some of you I'm sure have heard, that goes something like, "A young child came home after his first week of school and the mother asked how he liked his new teacher. The child responded, "I don't know, I haven't met her yet, she keeps sending her husband in to teach us."

- King

Chapter Five

I have decided to comment on every chapter after I am done reading it and so I will start with chapter five by saying that my father was a Highway Patrolman and a local minister. Therefore like many of the men and boys mentioned in the book I to struggled to have a good relationship with my father. He was my spirtual leader as well as the represenative of the law and it made for a very difficult relationship. I am sure it was difficult because in my mind I was afraid to be anything less than what I was expected to be and therefore I never tried to reciprocate whatever he tried to give.

I went in to teaching because I wanted to be a mentor to those who struggled to have someone to talk to the way I did. I wanted to be a mentor to those who needed it because of broken homes or other reasons. Call me idealistic, but I hoped to make a difference when I went in to teaching. I try to be a postive male role model to the young men that I teach in the hope that I can make a positive difference.

I think this is a great book because it helps me to recognize the shortcomings that I have in my own relationships with my son, my brothers, and my dad. If I get nothing else out of this book it will be the reminder that my relationships in my own personal life can always improve. This book to me is like a good therapy session only without the cost of paying for it by the hour.

Thanks for the revelations!!!

Let me first respond to a couple of things that my colleagues have said.

First Kangmo:

"Frankly speaking, whenever I see a tall and looks-strong guy, I wish I could be like that guy for a moment. But I soon realize I am not that guy. I just see myself as I am. " I can relate to this statement. I'm going to take a guess and say that you would look at me as that guy (tall and possibly looks strong). The crazy part about that is, when I was younger I used to be tall but very thin and I always wanted to be bigger and now that I am, I still see myself a lot of the time as that skinny kid and still to this day, sometimes think that I could be a bit bigger. I am comfortable with my physique but always tell myself I could stand "a bit more size"

Now Grant:

"All of the Spiderman costumes had padding to make the wearer look very muscular." I saw the exact same thing and didn't really think anything of it, but now that you mentioned it, there was never padding on costumes when I was elementary age! I used to put my own padding in my costumes to look bigger (usually some sweaters or something). Just as the movie touched on the increase in size of action figures muscles it has now found its way into letting children "alter" there own body in a matter of seconds.

On a different note. A couple of weeks ago, I went on a field trip and therefore dressed down. I usually were a button down shirt and tie, but on the field trip I wore jeans, sneakers, and a hooded sweatshirt. When I got back, one of the 3rd grade African American boys said to one of his peers as I walked passed and waved to them "See. That's how a black man is supposed to dress!" I stopped cold in my tracks, slowly turned around as I gather my thoughts about what to say because at that point I was so highly disappointed to hear such a statement. To this child he thinks that the so called thug image that is heavily exploited in the media is not only the norm, but the only way! I calmed myself, and asked him if when I wear my shirt and tie that makes me less of a black man or let alone a man? He answered no. I then asked if I was a CEO, would it be appropriate for me to dress like this all the time? He answered no. I then asked, well why would you say this is how a black man is supposed to dress? He shrugged and said nothing. I told him something to the effect of, what you see on the TV isn't always a true reflection of real life, there is an appropriate time and place for relaxed clothing that suits your personal taste and don't fall into the trap of stereotyping and limiting yourself or anyone else by having narrow expectations. Doing so will limit your own experiences in life. I wonder if he does not have a male role model that ever dresses up? If not, I'm even more glad that I wear a nice shirt and tie everyday.

Halloween and the male image!

I was observing our Halloween parade at school, all of the kids walk around the gym so that everyone can see their costume, and as the Spidermen walked by I immediately thought of the movie Tough Guise. All of the Spiderman costumes had padding to make the wearer look very muscular. Has society truly stooped so low as to sell the "perfect" image of a man to children as young as three, four, and five. Is the madness of it all ever going to stop?

Random thoughts over first four chapters

I have read the first four chapters in two different stints, first two last weekend and the next two today. I am glad I did it this way because I have come away with two different ideas to reflect on; reading for boys in primary and our culture of cruelty.

It seems boys in primary school fit into two categories, those that excel and those who don't. I excelled, I was one of the top readers in my class if not the top. I give credit to my mom for reading to me often and also to my dad. One of my fondest childhood memories is when my dad brought two books back from the book mobile that had stopped at the little country store not far from our farm. One of the books was an ABC book and the other was Fireman Sam. Dad laid down on the couch and I curled up in his arms and he read these books to me and explained that they were library books and if we took good care of them we could return them in two weeks when the mobile came back and we could get two more books. I think I was four at the time. Dad also liked reading Brothers Grim type fairy tales to me. Mom read Dr. Seuss, Bernstein Bears, and Babar the elephant books to me. My mom read Bears on Wheels to me so many time that I memorized the words and started reading the book to her before I started Kindergarten. My dad would come in from his farm work for lunch and I would see him read the mail and the newspaper. He loved the comics, especially the Lockhorns, Gasoline Alley, and Blondie. I also fell in love with the comics and would read them to my sister who is three years younger than me.

My Kindergarten experience was different that many kids. I was part of the morning class which consisted of eleven boys and two girls. One of the girls moved away and they moved the remaining girl to the afternoon class which resulted in an all boys class. We had new students move in who where also boys so it ended up a class of fifteen boys and no girls. We were tight all through school and never did get along with the girls very good. We were a boy dominated class, we missed out on those "gender neutral" Kindergarten experiences and we felt superior to the girls in all we did. We refused to let them beat us in academics or in anything else. This boy/girl competition has had a negative effect on my whole life. It has been a very positive growing experience for me to go through the female dominant elementary education program at Mizzou and collaborate with my classmates as equals.

My first grade year was also unusual. Since my class was small and the class ahead of us was small they combined what normally would have been two first grades and two second grades into one first, one second, and a combined class. I was in the combined class that consisted of six first graders and 14 second graders. The only thing we first graders did without the second grade was reading group. Out of the six, three of us were boys and three were girls. I soon read through everything the teacher had and was moved in with the second graders in reading also.

I also loved my second grade teacher, but through four mediocre to bad teachers in a row I hated school by seventh grade and went into puberty with very low self esteem.

I bring these primary experiences up because I have a hard time relating to my own boys struggles with reading and to the students I teach. I have feelings of guilt for not reading to my five boys enough, never enough time or other things seem more important. I feel that I have let some of my sons down by not being patient enough with them and not making more time like my parents made for me.

So, the first two chapters of Raising Cain were quite enlightening to me from the stand point that boys who are naturally behind in communication skills can get all messed up because it takes longer for them to learn how to read. My second son (strong willed, all boy, kinetic, left handed, competitive, big for his age) had to be held back in Kindergarten mainly because he was a June birthday and struggled with school work. He went from one of the youngest in his class to one of the oldest and still struggles with school. He still, as a seventh grader, carries feelings of being stupid and inferiority with him. The book has helped me understand that many of the problems we have with him today might go all the back to sending him to school too early to begin with and not having enough patience with his struggles.

I will be a better teacher in my community by having this insight into a boy who struggles with reading psyche. I plan on making my classroom a safe place for all children to excel, grow, and get better no mater what the individual starting point is.

As politically unpopular as it might be, I think we need to make a push to catch boys up in communication as we have done with girls in math. It will take a culture of understanding, cooperation, and community to accept that it doesn't matter that many boys on average do not read as well as their girl counterparts in primary as long as we keep working to catch these boys up. It took until the fifth grade for my seventh grader to read at that magic third grade level. He entered sixth grade reading at a high fourth grade, low fifth grade level, but his sixth grade reading teacher performed a miracle and got him interested in reading by finding books that he liked. One year later he is reading at a high school level and going through two books a month. He still has his struggles, but many of the roadblocks are starting to come down. We all as educators would be well served by having patience with our slower readers and taking the time to find out what motivates each individual in our classrooms.

I was moved by chapter four. I now have a name for those crappy middle school years, "a culture of cruelty." Growing up I was a terror from the fifth grade until my Freshman year. I would not cooperate with teachers who I did not like, I picked on kids, and was mean. I struggled finding my way. I did not fit in well with any of the three cliques of boys in my class and kind've floated between all of them. It was not until my freshman year in high school that I found a group of older boys that I felt comfortable with. Part of this was because I went to a small rural school that had only two buildings; K-6 in one building and 7-12 in another. The seventh grade lockers were across the hall from the Seniors which could be quite scary. My growth came average to late and I went from top of the class in primary with reading to behind in middle school in growth. After reading these chapters I am getting the impression that reading and physical growth are the two biggest influences on boy self esteem. Maybe they are and maybe they aren't. I got through it like we all have and still carry some of the scares like many of us do.

Three of my own boys are in middle school, sixth, seventh, and ninth grades. Technically my ninth grader is in high school, but he is still facing many of the same pressers as in the book. My boys are having a more positive experience in middle school than what I had. They are all big and are growing faster than what I did. They are more athletic than I was at that age. My wife is six foot and has been that way since fifth grade (which is the boy equivalent of being a five foot freshman) and my boys are reaping the rewards of her genetics that caused her so much pain. This growth and maturity has created a whole new set of problems though. My freshman who is a three sport athlete, A honor roll, excellent at band, boy scout, active in church, loved by all his teachers and coaches, over achieving all-American, has gotten his freshman girl friend pregnant. I will be a 39 year old grandpa around St. Patrick's Day. Having a child who is a late bloomer doesn't seem so bad from this side of the fence.

I have learned at Mizzou (and have a great desire to implement in my future classroom) the importance of creating a sense of community in the classroom. This is one of the biggest changes in education since I was in school. If we all create this sense of community one classroom, one building, one school, at a time the world will be a better place for it and maybe the "culture of cruelty" will become a "culture of kindness". We can only hope.

We have created an educational environment that girls can excel in, now let us work at catching the boys up.

Far many in education this is too simplistic and does not contain enough eduation buzz words, but my ecucational philosophy is a simple one; "It is my job as and educator to teach my students how to read. Not only books, but math, art, music, the world about us, and most importantly PEOPLE. Reading leads to understanding and understanding leads to a society with more enlightened and compasionate people who have the confidence and skills to make a real difference."

From Kangmo--

When I look at my childhood, I didn’t have a desire to be like my father because my father was working hard, drank well, and smoke a lot. I actually hated my father until I became an adolescent. But when I went through my adolescence, I came to understand why my father had to work hard, drink much, and smoke a lot. Before I understood my father, I always liked my mother because my mother was a caring person and her direction was always clear. She always taught me that books are important and learning is important.

When I entered a middle school, boys were getting bigger and started to compete who was the strongest guy in the class and in the school. But I wasn’t quite interest in making myself a strong guy, especially, physically because I thought physical superiority was not important as a mental maturity. One of my close friends who didn’t like to lose in any competitions, even in fighting, always exercised to make strong fists and arms and learned Tea Kwon Do. But somehow I thought it was not important. The important things were “patience, honesty, and diligence.” That’s what my mother emphasized all the time in my childhood. So I thought that a real strong man could be an enduring and patient and understanding-others man. My father hardly played with me. I really wished that my father was playing with me. I was really happy when he was playing badminton with me. It was a vivid memory for me. And sometimes it was a happy moment to go out for dinner with him. I had always wished to play with my father a lot. But it didn’t work well. I became an adult.

When I grew up, my mother sometimes said, “Kangmo, you should help your wife if you get married. Your father had never helped and even he had never come in the kitchen. I think it is not good. Don’t do that if you got married.”

Frankly speaking, whenever I see a tall and looks-strong guy, I wish I could be like that guy for a moment. But I soon realize I am not that guy. I just see myself as I am.

As I read Raising Cain, I was interested in “emotional illiteracy.” Somehow I wanted to hide my feeling to others for a while, especially emotional action such as weeping. I thought somehow it was not manly. Men should not show their tear. We have a saying in Korea: “Men weep only three times: 1) when they were born; 2) when their parents were dead. I think I hardly saw my father’s tears. Compared to my father, I tend to weep a lot. I think I had tried not to show my tears to others, but not anymore.

Troubles

I have trouble expressing my emotions. When my partner and I have a disagreement or somehow hurt the other, I tend to shut down. I don't have the words to express how I feel. I avoid the confrontation. When pushed, my voice rises. It's frustratingly painful to no end.

Luckily, I have a partner who is well-versed in mind-body consciousness as well as gender constructions. She works with me to get through this. She is cognizant of how our minds work and what social constructions have led us here. Together, we talk through the problem and the ways that we can constructively solve our issues.

She understands how my father's emphasis on sports and his lack of expression has influenced me, despite my own formal education. It's not my dad's fault. His father raised him in much the same way.

Then there's the media and the cultures in which we grow up. Growing up a Buckeye fan, I watched men like Chris Spielman dominate his opponents by using an almost animal-like instinct for destroying his enemy. With reckless abandon, #36 would take out 300-pound blockers on his way to punishing tailbacks and wide receivers. If Chris Spielman ever cried, it was because they lost to Michigan, the Buckeyes' arch rival.

Years later, Spielman stood by his wife who was suffering from breast cancer. He left football for a time to be with her. I'm sure he cried during this time, but I wonder if he was ever able to find the words to express himself.

I've seen this same lack of emotional intelligence as a teacher. Boys come to school unable to express empathy or remorse. As their teacher, I would try to reflect on their behavioral or academic failings only to find that they hadn't ever learned how to express themselves. I feel I've spent more time teaching boys how to appropriately express emotions than any math strategy or reading comprehension.

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Are we born this way? Will boys be boys? If it is our miseducation, is it limited to how we deal with emotions?

In Raising Cain, Kindlon and Thompson want us to believe that the only failings in raising boys is our incompetence in in providing ways to deal with emotion, helping boys navigate body image, and dealing with teasing. While I agree with these findings, I do not agree that boys learn or act differently because of their biology.

Boys are not more active because they are wired that way. They are conditioned to play in a certain manner that encourages activity. Boys are constantly being shown images of male athletes flinging themselves across the playing field. Boys are different from girls because that's how we've raised them.

I have real troubles with Kindlon and Thompson using learned behavior to explain some issues with boys while ignoring others to suit their arguments.

I have primarily worked with lower income families in my teaching career. In these families, I have noticed that the girls can often be just as active or aggressive and easily distracted as the boys. This is due to their upbringing. Boys are not anymore naturally inclined to be active or impulsive than girls. The way we act and respond socially has so much more to do with how we are raised.

I am skeptical about the rest of this book if it is as near-sighted as the first four chapters. Sorry for the rant.