From September 30, 2006

The following entries were written in response to a quote from Raising Cain.

I believe that the feelings that are termed feminine mean a man is not masculine. If not masculine then you are not a man. When men do show emotions they could be deemed as weak and not strong. A meager person. Or on the other spectrum, a man who does not show masculine feelings rather showing feminine ones could be thought to be homosexual. Then receiving peer criticism or a father’s masculine approach at “making his boy a man.” I believe society is so afraid of homosexuality and the way it is portrayed. People think of men and women in set stereotypes and if you don’t fit then there is a reason. I hear kids using the word “gay” all the time. Like your homework is “gay” or that test is “gay” not even knowing the meanings just thinking of it as negative. So people, boys, don’t want to be thought of in a negative way so they try to mask any feeling to fit in. If this means being aggressive and mean then so be it. And some boys just don’t know any other way.

They see men being aggressive at home or on TV and think of it as a way to be respected. How many super heroes do you see crying or showing emotion.
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This quote makes me think of my own childhood, and my present life as well. If I become quiet, or angry rarely does anyone ask me what it is that’s bothering me, and generally when someone does, it’s my mother or girlfriend. Typically, I have difficulty finding the ‘real’ reason for my feelings. I’ll blame it on the obvious event, only to talk it out and find it’s something else entirely. It’s this sort of thought process adults need to teach children. In order to deal with events, and in order to raise boys who can regulate their negative affect, they first have to be able to identify the issue.

Crying generally is considered something that you can’t control We help the crier because something beyond their control is making them upset. An angry child is often attributed to an inborn temperament, or just “crabby.” This is seen as a normal occurrence and the mindset is “They can be happy if they want to, they don’t need any help.” Both children have the same issues, but criers receive more help while angrie’s get punished. While society teaches boys not to cry, they effectively limit the amount of emotional help and guidance the child will receive.
We help criers. We discipline angries.


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Normal emotion? What is that? My father had ’em, I’m sure, but he buried them most of the time. He would sit in silence and stare and smoke, at night before bedtime staring off into space his face wreathed in bluish while smoke from a “Camel” or “Lucky Strike.”

We would nearly never – 2-3 times in all those years – have a real or sensitive conversation. He did, though, get into telling me stories from his life – the gangster he worked for as a gas employee – those who wanted to fuel their illegal stills with gas. The people he met on the job, the people he grew up with.

My wish is that he would have been different – that there was more intimacy and closeness there – but I also believe that he did the best that he could with what he had to work with.

My mother was the saving grace.

I’m not sure any of his would have made it without her.

She was all heart – a walking heart – whose intuition and insights never seemed to fail – but for ALL of this and more, she paid a high price.

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I’ve recently seen the two different paths young boys can take in the realm of emotions. These two sides are diametrically opposed to each other and can create two disparate approaches to school. One boy came from a house where there was a literal and metaphorical lock and door between he and the adults in his life. He was looking towards his teenage brothers (both, with extensive juvenile records) for guidance. Since last school year, those older boys have been moved to a new household, and the younger was taken in by a very loving grandmother. Instead of last year’s anger, hitting, etc. I see a boy who gets sad, angry, happy, excited, the whole gamut.

He was recently punched, repeatedly, by another boy who lacks the emotional resources of the first… He didn’t hit back. He simply told an adult.

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My son explodes in anger. What do I do? Do I assume testosterone is to blame? Not necessarily. I tend to see it just as different ways of responding, different wiring -- some of us, like my daughter, are level much of the time. My son is a more passionate person, sensitive perhaps. Do I think of this as a feminine or weak trait? I hope not. Sometimes I’ll say – “go have a good cry. It’s ok.” But I think he fears what will happen if he cries or “loses it” at school. I think some kids hold it in in public and then practically explode once home and away from observing peers and teachers.

My son also has greater bouts of fear, but I think that is from thinking, dwelling on things.